CVS testing

So, after the phone call that changed everything, I was set up a few hours later with a perinatal specialist. They were able to see me that afternoon, so we went to get our level 2 ultrasound and I decided I wanted the CVS to confirm or dismiss the findings of the Harmony blood test. At that time, I believed I needed to "know". They did not see any abnormalities on our ultrasound, but I still wanted a diagnostic test, as I believed that I could not carry on throughout this pregnancy not knowing if my child had a fatal condition or not. I have since struggled with whether that was the best choice, but I really believed at that time... I needed to "know."

The CVS was scary. I did not look at the needle, but judging by my husbands face, and my mom nearly in tears... I knew it must be really big. I wouldn't call the procedure painful, but I did jump off the table when I felt it hit my placenta. It is a very foreign feeling. Hard to describe, but not really painful. It only took about 1 minute from start to finish. The doctor talked to us a little bit about rapid FISH results and that the full results would be back in 2 weeks. It may have been the longest, most gut wrenching 48 hours of my life waiting on the rapid results to come back. I knew I could not handle hearing the news, so my husband took that call. It was positive. I was frozen. I was angry.

I kept saying I knew it, I knew it. Everyone wanted so bad to believe this was a false positive blood test, but here we were, with a positive confirmation on the diagnostic test. I was furious. I had prayed all afternoon, and I had told God that no matter what I would believe in Him, that I would still worship Him, and I would trust in Him. Well, that was out the window. I know I thought I could still do those things even if it was positive, but let's be real... I could NOT. I raged at God. And I didn't stop raging for weeks. But I will write about that another time.

So, here we are... faced with the choice to terminate now, or carry our son. The specialist said that these babies suffer when they are born. They can be given pain medication, but they suffocate and it is very horrible. He said you know, you can try again and have a healthy baby. I have had lots of patients who terminated and then got pregnant again and everything was fine. He then went on to say if we wanted to be more discreet about the abortion we could go to another city. Somewhere in all this talk of abortion he mentioned that if we chose to carry to term, they would be there to support us. However, I definitely got the vibe that he believed it would be better to terminate. I left there feeling like if I chose to carry Gus, that I was cruel. Of course, my husband and I didn't want to make our baby suffer, but could I really end his little life?