This Wasn't Supposed To Be My Life

I enjoyed the rain so much last night and into this morning. I slept well, despite having a weird dream. I cannot remember the details, but I dreamed I went to deliver Gus, and he was not there. It was bizarre. Hormones I guess.

I got up an hour later than usual, had my coffee and my bath. Cleaned my house, and started making my lunch. The phone rang, I didn't know the number, but felt like I should answer it. It was Cheryl, a children's nurse calling to talk to me about my options during labor and delivery. She was a very kind woman, who has been in this business for 30 years. They call deliveries like mine, "special deliveries." We went over some things and I decided it would be in everyone's best interest for me to go meet with the neonatologists (NICU) after my level 2 ultrasound at the new MFM doctor on the 29th. While this conversation was a blessing, it was also extremely difficult.

There is no way to know what Gus will be like when he is born. He could be stillborn, he could need help breathing, he could need a lot of different things that really, I have no idea about. I am educated pretty well in the things that could go wrong, but not so much in how doctors can help him. Therefore, Cheryl says it would really help me to meet with the NICU team to understand the language and what could happen. When they ask me a question and I need to make a decision on the spot during delivery... it would be very beneficial for me to know what they are talking about. So I have agreed to meet with them in hopes of being informed enough to make some life or death decisions.

I am going to be making life or death decisions. That is a very heavy sentence. Essentially, the choices I make for my son could save his life or end it. Without getting into detail about all  the possibilities, I just want to say that this seems insanely unfair. I do not want to be making the decisions, yet I have to make them. Honestly, I am the only one who should be making the decisions. I guess what I really am trying to get at in so many words is... why the hell do I have to be in this situation. I didn't use a question mark at the end of that sentence, because it isn't a question I expect anyone to answer. Not even The Creator.

When I think back over the plans I had for my life, I never saw this one coming. I wanted to be married my entire adult life. From the time I fell in love at 16, I dreamed of being with that one special someone. It took me a very long time, some very bad choices, and many tears with a broken heart... but I finally found my person. I always told my husband I did not want to have children. He so wanted to, but me not so much. I taught pre k and kindergarten for 7 years in a low income school. I felt pretty mom like to those kids and did not think I could tend to them and my own family. I also loved the freedom I had to do as I pleased and feared being tied down to motherhood. I also knew that I would love a child so much that it was scary. I never wanted to love someone that much.

After a bad season in our marriage, but recovering stronger than ever, we decided to "try" for a baby. We had not been on any birth control for 2 years, so I really didn't think it would happen. But on Easter Sunday, I took a pregnancy test and there it was... two lines. My husband was thrilled, my family ecstatic... I was devastated. It wasn't really supposed to happen. Whoa, that was a lot to process. As time went by, I started to love this baby. At 13 weeks, I told my son I loved him for the first time. The next day, I got a call saying he wasn't going to live. This wasn't supposed to be my life.

There has been a saying I always thought was so true... "If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans." As I lay in the bathtub after hanging up with the children's nurse, I thought to myself, I cannot believe this is my life. How will I make these choices? What is our life going to look like when this happens and after this happens? And how in the world did I get here? I hug my bump and tell Gus I love him. I tell him that mamma wants to do what is best for him. Then I can only hope that sweet Gus will let me know what is best, because I can't make these decisions. No mother should have to make these decisions. This shouldn't be anyone's life.