I Just Want My Baby

I have been sobbing for hours. As I heard once, "It is not well with my soul," and yeah that about sums up my emotions today. When I started this blog, it was in hopes of contributing something to the world. I don't have any idea what that contribution is, but I do know that in order to contribute you have to be honest. In the midst of this gut wrenching pain emotionally, I am going to be honest about how I feel.

I had my final maternal fetal medicine doctor appointment today. They did a growth scan. I had hoped Gus was going to blow everyone away and be at least 4 lbs. (Really I wanted 4.75) He was not. According to their calculations he is about 3.6. That alone upset me. But then it got worse. Apparently this time they see a gap or something on the back of his head. I don't ask questions usually. Today I went all out and just laid my cards on the table. Could this be a mistake? The doctor looked at me and said because of his growth restriction and the gap, that it was a typical sign of T18 and he was not going to bull shit me as a parent.

While there is obviously still the good news, that we should be rejoicing over I suppose... his perfect heart, his good cord flow, my excellent fluid levels, a good placenta, his continued interval growth.... I am unable to focus on that. Instead I can only see what I feel. It was as if the hope in my heart flew right out of my chest, landed on the floor and burned into a tiny pile of ash.

I was asked about things such as induction early, at 37 weeks, and of course I said NO. He went on to explain that with a growth restriction they have to offer that and he has to make sure I understand the longer he is in there the higher the chances of still birth. Blah, blah, blah. We agreed that because of his other wise good condition, no defects such as a heart issue, that Gus will most likely make it well past 37 weeks and labor will likely occur naturally. So I will be monitored with an ultrasound weekly now to check on him. I guess if it is determined he must come out early, we will do so. It does not look like that will be needed. The doctor claims early induction at this point would be just for my sanity and anxiety, if I was "tired" of being pregnant. I said listen, I know what your saying, but just so we are clear, we are doing what is best for Gus. He needs as much time as possible for lung development. To his credit, he agreed with me and said he realizes I am well educated and he will pass on my wishes to the delivery staff. I can't knock this guy, he is better than the rest were. He did call me later and was really nice. He had found the NICU lady with my birth plan and made sure everyone had it. He said that often things fall through the cracks and he didn't want anybody giving me any trouble when the time came. I thought this was thoughtful and I appreciated it.

I am angry at God. I am talking with Him about it. I know lots of people want to tell you their theory on "why" this is happening. Let me tell you my theory... it just is what it is. I am not going to get an answer. Nobody is. Bad things happen to babies and children and families EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Sure we all want to think it must be for good. Perhaps I can think of positives. Does it make two shits bit of difference to me? No. I just want my baby. Period. I don't care about some big picture. Is it possible that the answer is really a simple one? Life here is temporary for all of us. Young and old. Everyone is going to die. Nobody gets to live here forever. And if you are a believer, you know better things await us on the other side. That doesn't change how hard it is to drag yourself through your time in this world. It does make death something to look forward to, although that is frightening as well.

I think about a wide range of things with Gus. I cry the hardest when I think about him not being with me anymore. He goes with me everywhere. I read in another mamma's blog how nice it is that she never has to eat alone, sleep alone, go for walks alone... and I blubber at the thought of not feeling him with me all the time anymore. I wonder how will I be able to go on without him. Then I think about my Dad, and my Grandma and Grandpa, and how if Gus dies they will be there to tell him all about me... and of course Jesus. Yet I am not all that comforted by that either, because I will be left behind and wishing I could be there too. Sad and knowing I can't leave everyone here behind and will have to just wait my turn. There isn't a happy ending for me.

Some people like to say, well he could live. Yes he could, and it would be amazing to keep him as long as I was allowed. He is still going to die before me. That is not natural. It is not fair. It is horrendous. I look at other people and think... you don't know how lucky you are. And they don't. But I used to be them. I lived in a blissful place of complete ignorance to what it is like to face losing a child. I would not consider myself bitter, but I can see how some people get that way. Social media in particular grates my nerves... facebook is disgusting. People trying to prove how great everything is for what reason I am not sure, then on the other hand, people crying about insignificant problems... I simply cannot handle it.

These are the raw emotions of a mother in complete torment. I have zero control over what is coming. I could sit here and pretend I have so much faith that it is all going to work out... But that would only be like wearing a mask and hiding the truth. The truth is I am broken. I am completely beside myself and nobody can help me. I can call on Jesus, and I will. I do. But He cannot take this pain from me. To hide this side of the journey would be a disservice to all. You have to see the ugly. You have to see the darkness. Otherwise, when the light comes through, you wouldn't understand just how dark it really was.

That is why I write.  God uses things for good. He will use my dark to create some sort of light. Even if I don't "feel" it. I believe it. Because the Good Book tells me so. Faith is a choice. Never a feeling. If my faith was based on how I feel... I would have been lost long ago. Eternally grateful that my God understands where I am, He understands my anger and my sadness, and He forgives me for all of it. I am so small, but He is so big. I may be angry the rest of my life here on earth. I may be sad the rest of my days. My hope is not in this world. I hate this world. My hope is in Jesus. And that no matter what happens here... all my tears, all my pain, will be wiped away when He comes for me.