The Choice To Carry

Before I begin telling my thoughts on the choice to carry versus termination for medical reasons... I want to say that this choice is always made out of love. I do not in any way think people who chose to terminate are bad people. I think they made the choice they had to make for themselves just like I did. I can say 100% that I do not judge them, because I had an abortion when I was 20 years old, however it was for mostly selfish reasons and a very bad situation. But that was then, and this is now. With that said, I am going to be very frank about why I chose to keep Gus, and it may be difficult for someone who has terminated to read on. Please know, I do not judge you, nor do I think less of you if you are that person.

Because I knew first hand how traumatic termination is... I seriously questioned how that was going to be "better" for my son. At the time of making this decision, I did not realize how many of these babies with trisomy 18 pass peacefully, some even live a long time. I was only informed of the worst case scenarios, which honestly, were terrifying. At no point was I ever given the other possibilities. Like I said, when I was making this choice, I only had a tiny bit of information. However, I had a lot more information personally, because I lived an abortion, and I knew that abortion wasn't any less violent than suffocation. I think when the doctors start making you feel like it's going to be a horror show, and then act like you can avoid all this by having an abortion, you naturally just go, well... okay yeah, that is what I should do. This is not the time to make a decision. Do not ever let someone persuade you when you are already so blind sided that you are not able to process or think through something.

I know my first reaction was I have to terminate. It did not take long however, to realize that no, no I don't have to do that. My beliefs were, that if God truly was in control, then I had to let him write my son's story. If I really was a person of faith, I had to allow God to do what He wanted and I had accept the fact that I was simply never going to have control over this. Truly, in life, we have very little control. We can only try to control our actions, but we can't control anything else. What a profound wake up call. It was not my place to rip my baby from my womb, from life. If he was to die, it would be naturally, not by his mother's choice to end him. I am his mamma. I am his advocate. I am the one who loves him unconditionally and protects him. I am not the one who ends his life.

No matter how short his time with us will be... he is a person. A little person who is more loved than he could possibly ever fathom. Do I wish I could miss all this pain? Yes. I wish I was going to have a baby who could live a normal life and out live me. Do I regret carrying him, or getting pregnant? No. Gus is what made me realize my capacity to love is greater than I could ever have imagined. He teaches me things that I could never have learned if he had not existed. My choice to carry him was a choice to be faithful to God, and to love him as long as God would allow me to do so. My choice was never really that hard in all honesty. I knew it was the right choice for me when the huge weight of trying to make it was lifted by realizing I did not have to terminate him. So here we are... 25 weeks pregnant today, and I love him so much my heart could burst.