The Storm

I have mentioned briefly the struggle that occurred for me spiritually when we got the final confirmation that Gus had trisomy 18 in a previous post. I wanted to take the time to write about that struggle, as I feel it is very important to share that experience. I am so glad I jotted things out on my instagram as I was going through things, because it helped me to remember exactly how I felt and what I was thinking. I knew someday I would want to write about it, and I know from experience that you think you will never forget the details, but alas, you do. I recognized the importance of taking notes as things happened.

It was the last week of May. I had just turned 14 weeks pregnant. As I waited for the perinatalogist to call with the FISH results of our CVS testing, I prayed. I asked that this be a false positive and that Gus be ok. I also told God that no matter what, I would praise him, I would trust him, and I would be faithful. I really believed that I could do that. After all, God had walked me through so many other terrible trials and heart breaks... surely I could somehow trust Him on this. Right? Wrong. When that call came in, and my husband had to break it to me that it was positive, I was instantly angry. Everything I had just prayed 10 minutes ago was out the window. Could I still believe that God was good? Nope, I really could not at that time. I raged. I mean I completely raged at the idea that God would allow this to happen, not only to me, but to anyone. I could not pray, I could not ask for help, I could not do anything but be enraged. The questions were many, and the inability to understand was all consuming. All the scripture I knew, all the well intended messages people sent quoting it to me, only frustrated me and made me angrier. Suddenly, scripture was just a bunch of words that meant nothing to me. It no longer applied to my circumstances.

That is a very raw and harsh thing to say. I know that many people read those words and think ouch! You poor thing, you can't see the truth. Well you would be correct, I couldn't see the truth. To me, this was beyond anything the Bible can speak to. It was and still is the most emotional, challenging struggle a person can endure. I asked things like, "If God knits babies in the womb, why would he make them wrong?" Many, many, many questions that scripture only seemed to contradict. I still don't have answers. However, I don't have the anger. This is the story of how God helped me to get past that phase.

It was early/mid July. I awoke, and went in the bathroom to start my morning routine. While I was in there, I looked out my window at the scorching summer heat beginning to creep up. It had been very dry, and very hot. I had managed to tell God thank you for the various things that I still had, such as a wonderful and supportive family, and of course my husband. I was thankful he was able to go back to work and we would have insurance after he had been laid off repeatedly. There was a lot to still be thankful for and I made myself acknowledge this... even though I was still extremely angry. For some reason, this particular morning, I prayed in the bathroom that God would send me a sign that things were going to be okay. Then I decided to get specific. I asked God to send me a storm. Not just a little shower, a full blown storm. I went about my day.

Evening rolled around. My husband was in bed watching tv. I was sitting in bed with him wondering where our french bulldog named Juan was. It was unlike him to not be in bed with us by this hour. So I went out the back door to look for him. (He has a doggie door, so he can come and go as he pleases.) There he sat on the back porch area on the side walk just gazing at the sky. I said what are you doing bubba, come inside. He would not come, so I stepped out and looked up. All around us, there was lightning. It was beautiful and there was so much of it. I sat down with Juan and we just watched. I thought to myself, this is lovely. It isn't a storm, it is probably just heat lightning, but it is lovely. I was pretty ok with the fact I got some beauty, but somewhat disappointment that it wasn't really what I had asked for. I came back inside and got back in the bed. Juan still didn't come inside. I waited a little bit, and went back outside to check on him. He remained in the same spot, still looking at the sky. I stepped out again, to go to him, and this time I heard thunder. I ran back into the house to get my husband, and told him you have to come see this. I said I prayed for a storm and I think it is coming. Together we ran out back and as we stood on the sidewalk, an almost cold wind blew so hard it nearly knocked me down. I felt a rush of respectful fear. I recognized who this was. I was being told loud and clear who was in control, and I almost crumpled at the realization that I am so small. The wind gusts were frightening to me, so I came back inside and checked the radar. Sure enough, there it was... my storm. It poured rain and it thundered and lightninged.

As it turned out, there wasn't a chance of rain that day or that night. There wasn't a chance of rain that week. The next day at work, someone came in and said, "How bout that storm last night! You know there was no chance of rain, it just came out of nowhere!" I smiled and said, well I prayed for that storm. My anger started to fade after that night. I would not say that I understand what we are facing, but I will say, I know I am not alone.