The Phone Call

I was a nanny part time, and I worked at a deli/gift shop part time as well. I had been at the nanny gig for about an hour, when my cell phone rang. It was my doctor, so I answered it, not really thinking much about it. A few weeks prior, I had opted to get the Harmony blood test that screens for chromosome issues just to find out the gender early, even though we knew it was most likely a boy from the ultrasound. My sister had done it with both her kids, and it didn't cost much, so I just thought yeah lets find out what this baby is early! I had hoped for a son. But this call wasn't about the gender. I really cannot even remember the words that came from his mouth and entered my ears. All I heard was "this pregnancy is not viable". What do you mean? What are you saying? Trisomy what? As I struggled to write the words down on a old piece of paper, I remember asking is this hereditary? What causes this? And he informed me that no, it was just a "fluke" that sometimes occurs when the cells are dividing. Then I hear, "I know you will need some time to consider your options, and discuss this with family." Options? Like what options? Termination? I didn't really understand what he meant, but I took it as well, there is only one option. I asked him how accurate this test was and he said very accurate, but he would send me to a specialist to confirm it. He then asked, "Is there anyone else I can call for you?" All I could say was yes, just call my mother.

Click. I start bawling. I call my husband. I am crying so hard he instantly knows something is very wrong. He says he will meet me at home. I call the kid's mom, say you gotta come back, I have to go home. From there, my world collapsed. What did this mean? I wasn't going to be a mother? I was going to have to terminate my pregnancy? Wait a minute, I just told my baby I loved him for the first time yesterday after struggling to be okay with even being pregnant and now I don't get to keep him? This cannot be real. This cannot be happening. Utter devastation.

I arrive home, my husband is also crying so hard he and I can't process anything. We held each other and wept in the kitchen. What comes next? What is going to happen to us? So many questions, and no answers.